Thinking as a Hobby

THINKING AS A HOBBY, by William Golding

While I was still a boy, I came to the conclusion that there were three grades of 
thinking; and since I was later to claim thinking as my hobby, I came to an even 
stranger conclusion -- namely, that I myself could not think at all.

I must have been an unsatisfactory child for grownups to deal with. I remember how
incomprehensible they appeared to me at first, but not, of course, how I appeared 
to them. It was the headmaster of my grammar school who first brought the subject
of thinking before me though neither in the way, nor with the result he intended. 
He had some statuettes in his study. They stood on a high cupboard behind his desk. 
One was a lady wearing nothing but a bath towel. She seemed frozen in an eternal 
panic lest the bath towel slip down any farther; and since she had no arms, she 
was in an unfortunate position to pull the towel up again. Next to her, crouched 
the statuette of a leopard, ready to spring down at the top drawer of a filing 
cabinet labeled A-AH. My innocence interpreted this as the victim's last, 
despairing cry. Beyond the leopard was a naked, muscular gentleman, who sat, 
looking down, with his chin on his fist and his elbow on his knee. He seemed 
utterly miserable.

Some time later, I learned about these statuettes. The headmaster had placed them 
where they would face delinquent children, because they symbolized to him the 
whole of life. The naked lady was the Venus of Milo. She was Love. She was not 
worried about the towel. She was just busy being beautiful. The leopard was Nature,
and he was being natural. The naked, muscular gentleman was not miserable. He was 
Rodin's Thinker, an image of pure thought. It is easy to buy small plaster models 
of what you think life is like.

I had better explain that I was a frequent visitor to the headmaster's study,
because of the latest thing I had done or left undone. As we now say, I was not
integrated. I was, if anything, disintegrated; and I was puzzled. Grownups never
made sense. Whenever I found myself in a penal position before the headmaster's 
desk, with the statuettes glimmering whitely above him, I would sink my head, 
clasp my hands behind my back and writhe one shoe over the other.

The headmaster would look opaquely at me through flashing spectacles.

"What are we going to do with you?"

Well, what were they going to do with me? I would writhe my shoe some more and 
stare down at the worn rug.

"Look up, boy! Can't you look up?"

Then I would look up at the cupboard, where the naked lady was frozen in her panic
and the muscular gentleman contemplated the hindquarters of the leopard in endless 
gloom. I had nothing to say to the headmaster. His spectacles caught the light so 
that you could see nothing human behind them. There was no possibility of 
communication.

"Don't you ever think at all?" No, I didn't think, wasn't thinking, couldn't 
think -- I was simply waiting in anguish for the interview to stop.

"Then you'd better learn -- hadn't you?"

On one occasion the headmaster leaped to his feet, reached up and plonked Rodin's 
masterpiece on the desk before me.

"That's what a man looks like when he's really thinking."

I surveyed the gentleman without interest or comprehension.

"Go back to your class."

Clearly there was something missing in me. Nature had endowed the rest of the 
human race with a sixth sense and left me out. This must be so, I mused, on my 
way back to the class, since whether I had broken a window, or failed to remember 
Boyle's Law, or been late for school, my teachers produced me one, adult answer: 
"Why can't you think?"

As I saw the case, I had broken the window because I had tried to hit Jack Arney 
with a cricket ball and missed him; I could not remember Boyle's Law because I 
had never bothered to learn it; and I was late for school because I preferred 
looking over the bridge into the river. In fact, I was wicked. Were my teachers, 
perhaps, so good that they could not understand the depths of my depravity? Were 
they clear, untormented people who could direct their every action by this 
mysterious business of thinking? The whole thing was incomprehensible. In my 
earlier years, I found even the statuette of the Thinker confusing. I did not 
believe any of my teachers were naked, ever. Like someone born deaf, but 
bitterly determined to find out about sound, I watched my teachers to find out 
about thought.

There was Mr. Houghton. He was always telling me to think. With a modest 
satisfaction, he would tell me that he had thought a bit himself. Then why did 
he spend so much time drinking? Or was there more sense in drinking than there 
appeared to be? But if not, and if drinking were in fact ruinous to health -- 
and Mr. Houghton was ruined, there was no doubt about that -- why was he always 
talking about the clean life and the virtues of fresh air? He would spread his 
arms wide with the action of a man who habitually spent his time striding along 
mountain ridges.

"Open air does me good, boys -- I know it!"

Sometimes, exalted by his own oratory, he would leap from his desk and hustle us 
outside into a hideous wind.

"Now, boys! Deep breaths! Feel it right down inside you -- huge draughts of 
God's good air!"

He would stand before us, rejoicing in his perfect health, an open-air man. He 
would put his hands on his waist and take a tremendous breath. You could hear 
the wind, trapped in the cavern of his chest and struggling with all the 
unnatural impediments. His body would reel with shock and his ruined face go 
white at the unaccustomed visitation. He would stagger back to his desk and 
collapse there, useless for the rest of the morning.

Mr. Houghton was given to high-minded monologues about the good life, sexless 
and full of duty. Yet in the middle of one of these monologues, if a girl 
passed the window, tapping along on her neat little feet, he would interrupt 
his discourse, his neck would turn of itself and he would watch her out of 
sight. In this instance, he seemed to me ruled not by thought but by an 
invisible and irresistible spring in his nape.

His neck was an object of great interest to me. Normally it bulged a bit 
over his collar. But Mr. Houghton had fought in the First World War alongside 
both Americans and French, and had come -- by who knows what illogic? -- to 
a settled detestation of both countries. If either country happened to be 
prominent in current affairs, no argument could make Mr. Houghton think well 
of it. He would bang the desk, his neck would bulge still further and go red. 
"You can say what you like," he would cry, "but I've thought about this -- 
and I know what I think!"

Mr. Houghton thought with his neck.

There was Miss Parsons. She assured us that her dearest wish was our welfare, 
but I knew even then, with the mysterious clairvoyance of childhood, that what 
she wanted most was the husband she never got. There was Mr. Hands -- and so 
on.

I have dealt at length with my teachers because this was my introduction to 
the nature of what is commonly called thought. Through them I discovered that 
thought is often full of unconscious prejudice, ignorance and hypocrisy. It 
will lecture on disinterested purity while its neck is being remorselessly 
twisted toward a skirt. Technically, it is about as proficient as most 
businessmen's golf, as honest as most politicians' intentions, or -- to come 
near my own preoccupation -- as coherent as most books that get written. It is 
what I came to call grade-three thinking, though more properly, it is feeling, 
rather than thought.

True, often there is a kind of innocence in prejudices, but in those days I 
viewed grade-three thinking with an intolerant contempt and an incautious 
mockery. I delighted to confront a pious lady who hated the Germans with the 
proposition that we should love our enemies. She taught me a great truth in 
dealing with grade-three thinkers; because of her, I no longer dismiss lightly 
a mental process which for nine-tenths of the population is the nearest they 
will ever get to thought. They have immense solidarity. We had better respect 
them, for we are outnumbered and surrounded. A crowd of grade-three thinkers, 
all shouting the same thing, all warming their hands at the fire of their own 
prejudices, will not thank you for pointing out the contradictions in their 
beliefs. Man is a gregarious animal, and enjoys agreement as cows will graze 
all the same way on the side of a hill.

Grade-two thinking is the detection of contradictions. I reached grade two 
when I trapped the poor, pious lady. Grade-two thinkers do not stampede easily, 
though often they fall into the other fault and lap behind. Grade-two thinking 
is a withdrawal, with eyes and ears open. It became my hobby and brought 
satisfaction and loneliness in either hand. For grade-two thinking destroys 
without having the power to create. It set me watching the crowds cheering His 
Majesty and King and asking myself what all the fuss was about, without giving 
me anything positive to put in the place of that heady patriotism. But there 
were compensations. To hear people justify their habit of hunting foxes and 
tearing them to pieces by claiming that the foxes liked it. To hear our Prime 
Minister talk about the great benefit we conferred on India by jailing people 
like Pandit Nehru and Gandhi. To hear American politicians talk about peace 
in one sentence and refuse to join the League of Nations in the next. Yes, 
there were moments of delight.

But I was growing toward adolescence and had to admit that Mr. Houghton was 
not the only one with an irresistible spring in his neck. I, too, felt the 
compulsive hand of nature and began to find that pointing out contradiction 
could be costly as well as fun. There was Ruth, for example, a serious and 
attractive girl. I was an atheist at the time. Grade-two thinking is a menace 
to religion and knocks down sects like skittles. I put myself in a position 
to be converted by her with an hypocrisy worthy of grade three. She was a 
Methodist -- or at least her parents were, and Ruth had to follow suit. But, 
alas, instead of relying on the Holy Spirit to convert me, Ruth was foolish 
enough to open her pretty mouth in argument. She claimed that the Bible 
(King James Version) was literally inspired. I countered by saying that the 
Catholics believed in the literal inspiration of Saint Jerome's Vulgate147, 
and the two books were different. Argument flagged.

At last she remarked that there were an awful lot of Methodists, and they 
couldn't be wrong, could they -- not all those millions? That was too easy, 
said I restively (for the nearer you were to Ruth, the nicer she was to be 
near to) since there were more Roman Catholics than Methodists anyway; and 
they couldn't be wrong, could they -- not all those hundreds of millions? An 
awful flicker of doubt appeared in her eyes. I slid my arm around her waist 
and murmured breathlessly that if we were counting heads, the Buddhists were 
the boys for my money. But Ruth had really wanted to do me good, because I 
was so nice. She fled. The combination of my arm and those countless 
Buddhists was too much for her.

That night her father visited my father and left, red-cheeked and indignant. 
I was given the third degree to find out what had happened. It was lucky we 
were both of us only fourteen. I lost Ruth and gained an undeserved 
reputation as a potential libertine.

So grade-two thinking could be dangerous. It was in this knowledge, at the 
age of fifteen, that I remember making a comment from the heights of grade 
two, on the limitations of grade three. One evening I found myself alone 
in the school ball, preparing it for a party. The door of the headmaster's 
study was open. I went in. The headmaster had ceased to thump Rodin's 
Thinker down on the desk as an example to the young. Perhaps he had not 
found any more candidates, but the statuettes were still there, glimmering 
and gathering dust on top of the cupboard. I stood on a chair and rearranged 
them. I stood Venus in her bath towel on the filing cabinet, so that now the 
top drawer caught its breath in a gasp of sexy excitement. "A-ah!" The 
portentous Thinker I placed on the edge of the cupboard so that he looked 
down at the bath towel and waited for it to slip.

Grade-two thinking, though it filled life with fun and excitement, did not 
make for content. To find out the deficiencies of our elders bolsters the 
young ego but does not make for personal security. I found that grade two 
was not only the power to point out contradictions. It took the swimmer 
some distance from the shore and left him there, out of his depth. I decided 
that Pontius Pilate was a typical grade-two thinker. "What is truth?" he 
said, a very common grade-two thought, but one that is used always as the 
end of an argument instead of the beginning. There is still a higher grade 
of thought which says, "What is truth?" and sets out to find it.

But these grade-one thinkers were few and far between. They did not visit 
my grammar school in the flesh though they were there in books. I aspired to 
them, partly because I was ambitious and partly because I now saw my hobby 
as an unsatisfactory thing if it went no further. If you set out to climb a 
mountain, however high you climb, you have failed if you cannot reach the top.

I did meet an undeniably grade-one thinker in my first year at Oxford. I was 
looking over a small bridge in Magdalen Deer Park, and a tiny mustached and 
hatted figure came and stood by my side. He was a German who had just fled 
from the Nazis to Oxford as a temporary refuge. His name was Einstein.

But Professor Einstein knew no English at that time and I knew only two words 
of German. I beamed at him, trying wordlessly to convey by my bearing all the 
affection and respect that the English felt for him. It is possible -- and I 
have to make the admission -- that I felt here were two grade-one thinkers 
standing side by side; yet I doubt if my face conveyed more than a formless 
awe. I would have given my Greek and Latin and French and a good slice of my 
English for enough German to communicate. But we were divided; he was as 
inscrutable as my headmaster. For perhaps five minutes we stood together on 
the bridge, undeniable grade-one thinker and breathless aspirant. With true 
greatness, Professor Einstein realized that my contact was better than none. 
He pointed to a trout wavering in midstream.

He spoke: "Fisch."

My brain reeled. Here I was, mingling with the great, and yet helpless as 
the veriest grade-three thinker. Desperately I sought for some sign by which 
I might convey that I, too, revered pure reason. I nodded vehemently. In a 
brilliant flash I used up half of my German vocabulary.

"Fisch. Ja Ja.".

For perhaps another five minutes we stood side by side. Then Professor 
Einstein, his whole figure still conveying good will and amiability, drifted 
away out of sight.

I, too, would be a grade-one thinker. I was irreverent at the best of times. 
Political and religious systems, social customs, loyalties and traditions, 
they all came tumbling down like so many rotten apples off a tree. This was a 
fine hobby and a sensible substitute for cricket, since you could play it all 
the year round. I came up in the end with what must always remain the 
justification for grade-one thinking, its sign, seal and charter. I devised a 
coherent system for living. It was a moral system, which was wholly logical. Of 
course, as I readily admitted, conversion of the world to my way of thinking 
might be difficult, since my system did away with a number of trifles, such as 
big business, centralized government, armies, marriage. . . .

It was Ruth all over again. I had some very good friends who stood by me, and 
still do. But my acquaintances vanished, taking the girls with them. Young 
women seemed oddly contented with the world as it was. They valued the 
meaningless ceremony with a ring. Young men, while willing to concede the 
chaining sordidness of marriage, were hesitant about abandoning the 
organizations which they hoped would give them a career. A young man on the 
first rung of the Royal Navy, while perfectly agreeable to doing away with 
big business and marriage, got as rednecked as Mr. Houghton when I proposed a 
world without any battleships in it.

Had the game gone too far? Was it a game any longer? In those prewar days, I 
stood to lose a great deal, for the sake of a hobby.

Now you are expecting me to describe how I saw the folly of my ways and came 
back to the warm nest, where prejudices are so often called loyalties, where 
pointless actions are hallowed into custom by repetition, where we are content 
to say we think when all we do is feel.

But you would be wrong. I dropped my hobby and turned professional.

If I were to go back to the headmaster's study and find the dusty statuettes 
still there, I would arrange them differently. I would dust Venus and put her 
aside, for I have come to love her and know her for the fair thing she is. But 
I would put the Thinker, sunk in his desperate thought, where there were shadows 
before him -- and at his back, I would put the leopard, crouched and ready to 
spring.